Friday, March 7, 2014

Morale is low

Sorry for the massive blogging absence. A series of shitty things happened interspersed with lovely moments. Overall, we are doing well, but I've spent most of the last three months being ill or taking care of an ill toddler. She started back at daycare last month and made it a grand total of six days out of the whole month. This month she hasn't made it in once.

Unfortunately I can only keep positive for about a week or two of illness (mine or hers) before I want to put my fist through a window. Keeping that creeping, wearing despair at bay takes some doing. Something about holding my baby while she coughs until she cries from the pain just fucking kills me inside. Only a week or two out of each month is spent in this survival state but it feels like forever when its happening. When me and Toddler Flails-a-lot are healthy the despair disappears like it never existed. A blessing, that.

The other incredibly painful thing that happened is that I found out a friend of mine I thought was living overseas had in fact died and his goddamn insular family hadn't told anyone. I realize everyone deals with grief differently but not to tell anyone? I want to scream, "You're not the only ones who loved him!" A goddamn obituary is appropriate. His facebook page is now a series of posts of his friends discovering he's dead and begging for information they won't get. I have all his worldly possessions in my basement where they will be a constant painful reminder until I force myself to go through them. That will not be soon.

The cosmically funny part of it all this is the sharp contrast between these survival weeks and our healthy times. During our non-sick weeks we had wonderful holidays, birthday parties, and participated in my best friend's beautiful wedding. We go out and have a great time as a family. I've even been cooking like a goddamn chef -- no frozen food! When we're healthy, we do well, joyful even.

Generally future health and happiness gives me something to look forward to, but this minute it feels like a sick joke. Toddler Flails-a-lot has a sinus infection and will be missing her best friend's birthday tomorrow. Last week she was on steroids. Today she's on an antibiotic and I'm praying she can sleep. As I said, morale is low.

Next week will be better. Hell, tomorrow could be better. Every moment is different. Hope this one passes quickly.

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