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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

That treacherous devil spinach!

sick day face
I like to think I'm an adventurous food-focused person. My latest new thing was chia seeds and fruit shakes. They are delicious. All the peach and banana goodness you can stand. Toss in some greens or spinach and your good to go for a midday snack. I realize this is all disgustingly Californian but once someone feeds you a shake you'll go from "who the fuck wants to eat a chia pet?" to "should I get some wheat germ (whatever that is) for shakes?"

This new food obsession was going along swimmingly until Monday night. Hub and I had the usual lunch time snack shake. My stomach didn't feel great, but I didn't think anything of it. Toddler Flails-a-lot and I run a bunch of errands. Hub takes over for bath time and suddenly I'm a wilted cramped mess on the couch. Not only am I in debilitating pain, but I have to flee to Mother Magoo's house because the smell of cooked chicken is making me nauseous. Not only can I not eat, but the food I cooked has driven me away.

I then spend the next four hours watching House Hunters. I alternate between cursing the lucky bastards who don't have to pay 500k for 1300 square feet and wondering whether I should go to the emergency room. My pain has settle into a lump right below my sternum which I'm pretty damn sure isn't my stomach.

All mighty Google lets me know I could have a gallbladder problem or a heart attack instead of simple indigestion. That's very helpful. Google also informs that that people who eat only raw food (sweet Jesus, why?) often have this problem because human body can't process all veggies equally, regardless of what vegetarians think. Also, spinach. It might be the devil. There's countless number of sites devoted to discussions about raw spinach fucking people's stuff up. Especially as they get older.

So now I have geriatric problems and no solution in sight. Every website says just suffer through it for hours on end and steam your spinach. Fucking spinach. Husband-cat calls, I sit up to talk to him and suddenly all my problems are solved by a violent fit of vomiting. This lasts far longer than I wanted, but I felt immediately better. I still couldn't eat for another day, but I lost 3lbs without doing anything so there's that. Lazy person's diet win, I guess.

The moral of the story? Cooked food should be seen and not smelled. Raw spinach in large quantities is the devil. Goddamn California food fads can have nasty fine print.

Consider yourself warned.

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4 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear you went through that... sounds awful... does that mean you don't want to do this cleanse with me next week?
    http://www.superherolife.com/2013/08/sweet-gentle-smoothie-cleanse-shopping-list-q-a-more-by-lacy-young/
    Come to think of it, maybe I'm not ready...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never done a cleanse, but what the hell. I eat chia pets now so yes, I'd be down. But not for another week or two.

      Delete
  2. Does this mean, because you've now vomited spinach, you'll never eat it again? Which reminds me, I have some in the fridge that needs eating. Cha Cha Cha Chia pets!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're gonna take a vacation from each other, spinach and I. Also, shakes can take a break too. They can just chill out for a while. I'm still mad. Maybe in a week or two we can reconnect.

      Delete

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