Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Wine, fruit of the vine

Today was one of those days where you realize you have no wine in your home so you go to Trader Joe's and fill a shopping cart with food and wine. Really I could have just filled the damn thing with wine, but we really needed food. Then I got home I realized I needed a new corkscrew, as I cleverly locked our old one away against intruders.

See, we have these high-tech baby-proof drawer locks that require a little magnetic key..They work great until you need to put away something tiny. Like maybe a twist tie.  Maybe possibly in your sleep deprived, inattentive state you drop the key into the drawer and slam it shut for good measure. Possibly you then try to stick the twist tie back where the key lives, on the side of the refrigerator (it is a magnet, after all) and discover that twist ties are wholly unsuitable fridge art.

This leaves you staring at your newly acquired wine wondering how on earth you are going to get a drink. And then I remembered...

I once tried to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew. I had called Mother Magoo for help, and she said it was dead easy--just apply a screwdriver and hammer. So I broke out the tools. My first whacks of the hammer pushed the cork down, but not fully, so like a good overachiever I set it up perfectly, closely inspecting it and then whack! White wine all up in my eyes.

Burning pain, possibly screams (don't judge me!) followed.That junk burns like you would not believe. My first thought (after screaming, "My eyes!") was that I could never tell anyone that I fundamentally failed to notice the basic physics of the situation. Push down a cork that holds back gases and the liquid has to go somewhere. Apparently it goes straight up into your friggin' eyes. I kid you not, while I was madly rinsing my face at the faucet, I actually thought I might have damaged my eyes forever. How can you possibly explain that? My plan was to say I stared at the sun. Stupid, yes. But less stupid than reality.

Fortunately, my eyes healed up properly, although I was forced to get reading glasses later that year, so you never know. I swore never to try such shenanigans again. Anyway, back to the present: this time Mother Magoo offered to help by lending me some ancient metal contraption she claimed was a corkscrew.

I let Husband-cat prove her right.

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  1. I have gone to Trader's just for wine too. But then, you buy some food while you're there. Like normal people do! And if I have no corkscrew--Twist off wine cap. Wave of the future? Or blasphemy? I don't know... Perfect for a picnic though!

  2. I have on good authority -- the wine people in Napa -- that twist tops are perfectly good and the wave of the future. At least I think that's what they said, we were 45 minutes into the wine tasting.

    Cheers to shielding your wine purchase with food! That made me laugh out loud.


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