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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Baby Fur

One side effect of pregnancy I remember being told about is lustrous hair and nails. Since your body is rapidly working on the Great Fetus Project there is a surplus of building materials that you get to take advantage of. Thin-haired women love this. This is played up because it sounds better than a lot of the other crap side effects. My hair is pretty abundant so I wasn't concerned, didn't pay close attention to this little factoid. That was a mistake.

One morning, midway through growing Fetus Flails-a-lot, I shambled my gigantic self to the bathroom, took one look in the mirror and screamed. My face was fringed in fur. The light from the window was streaming through a fringe of light hair glowing on my face and reflected at me from three different angles of mirror. I looked like a damn hobbit. I was mesmerized. All the reams of pregnancy information and anecdote had failed to freaking mention body fur as a possible side effect. My hair was thick all right, it was thick and standing up around my face. My fucking face!

When I could move again I realized the issue. My skin is a high yellow color, and I have multiple colors of hair on my body (get your mind out of the gutter). The hair on my head and my eyebrows is inky black and stands out as such. The only other body hair you can see -- on my arms and legs -- is a lighter brown and kind of blends into my skin. What I didn't realize was that there was a freakin' third layer of ultra fine blond (white?) hairs all over my body that were completely invisible until fetus production overdrive kicked in. Now they were giving me a goddamn furry halo.

I called Psycho Bambi and screamed a babble of invectives that she somehow understood. She was, however, completely unsupportive. Apparently an ex had made comments about body fur to her and since I was gibbering about what was essentially a temporary condition, she thought I should suck it up. I tried to explain the fur was STANDING UP and I could pet it and my fear that it would never lay down and that I'd have to gel my face to leave the house and end up being with crazy shiny face lady. She went into full professional nurse mode and explained it to me in clinical terms that made it sound like I wasn't, in fact, doomed to shy away from sunlight. I stopped hyperventilating and washed my face as instructed and voila! The fur was gone. The application of water, soap, and a liberal dose of moisturizer was sufficient to make it disappear against my skin.

I went out into the world and pretended like I didn't have an entire furry person hiding in plain sight on me, paranoid someone would casually mention I had turned into a werewolf. From that day until the end of my pregnancy, every morning required a halo banishment routine along with occasional mid-day skirmishes. Thank god that all ended with Baby Flails-a-lot's achievement of externality, but when someone tells you about the amazing awesome side effects of pregnancy, ask yourself, what would the Bizarro version of this look like? Is it awful? And prepare accordingly.

2 comments:

  1. I am crying right now! This is the funniest thing i have read in ages... thanks!

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    Replies
    1. You're welcome! I share because I care.

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