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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Captain Wack's coming!

Forgive any blithering or grammatical oddities in today's post. I decided to clean my nasty-ass kitchen at 11pm. I've been cleaning like a maniac (or, more charitably, like a champion) for four straight hours and I might be loopy on cleaning fumes because I never thought I'd tell another living soul about this.

The Hub and I have been successfully killing flies and ants for weeks. Now that the ants have retreated and the flies are in single digits we've started to relax our vigilance. Big mistake. Yesterday was typically hectic day and I did my usual hide and seek with my drinks. At any one time there will be an espresso, a fizzy water and a coconut water strewn about the house with my name on them. I tend to drink, put the cup in question down to do/start/finish something (or chase Baby Flails-a-lot) only to come back to it an hour later when I'm dying of thirst.

Yesterday the drink floating around the house was my can of coconut water. I rediscovered it after we put the baby down. Took a nice big drink. Felt something in my mouth. Kind of furry. Weird, I thought, they don't usually have bits of coconut shell in the drinks. Pulled it out of my mouth.....it was a dead fly. A giant dead, disgusting fly.

My mind refused to acknowledge what had just happened. I very slowly got up from the desk and threw the carcass away. Then, still thinking in slow motion, I turned to Husband-cat and told him what happened. The Hub had an immediate and visceral reaction. The color drained from his face and, bless his heart, he gave me a Look. Roughly translated it said: "there's no way in hell your lips will be touching mine anytime soon, you nasty." This somewhat broke through my shell-shock and I dry heaved.

Knowing I would throw all kinds wussy freak outs if I let it sink in, I rejected the memory wholesale. I continuously pushed the realization away the rest of the night, periodically dry heaving when my body remembered. My brain tried to rationalize, yammering on about all proteins being equal, people eating insects for sustenance, and the lack of a concrete intellectual reason to get upset. Blah blah blabbity blah. My body wasn't fooled. I will never be able to erase the sensation of those spiny, furry bits in my mouth. Never.

The flies have had their revenge.


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