Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Aunt MacGuff + trains = dramaaa

According to Dane Cook all men want to be part of a heist.*  I have news for him, everyone wants to be part of a heist. If you've never thought it would be awesome to be in a getaway you are dead inside. If you're me, you have had that dream fulfilled courtesy of Aunt MacGuff.

(*And have a sword fighting monkey. Less people want one of those.)

The point of the getaway is to GET TO THE VAN and fly away as fast as you can. I have had that emotion and sense of urgency. It is exciting. I thought my heart would explode. I should have known better...

It started peacefully enough. Aunt MacGuff came to visit us in Buffalo for Christmas, and snow was thick on the ground. The week flew by, and Aunt MacGuff was ready to go back to New York City, taking Mother Magoo with her for another round of holiday cheer. Now the thing about Aunt MacGuff is that she is terrible at travelling. Every trip she takes, she gets something wrong -- the time she's supposed to leave, the day she's travelling, the city she's departing from. You know, the minor details.

But this trip she lulled us into a false sense of security. We could usually tell where she'd made a mistake because the detail would change every time we talked. But on this trip she told us from beginning to end that she was leaving at 12:30pm on Sunday.

Sunday comes and we all pile into the car. The Hub drives, Mother Magoo is upfront, Aunt MacGuff and I are in the backseat. We're having a grand time talking about the trip and our future plans, when suddenly I hear a whisper in my head, "check the time." You know that soft voice that tells you a mistake was made? That you missed something? It was that voice. I check the time. 11:50am. Plenty of time. We're twenty minutes away. 

I call Amtrak.

The train is leaving the station Aunt MacGuff claimed it would. I start to relax. The date is right. I smile, silly voice. The train is five fucking minutes. I scream "Floor it! Go! Go! Go!" Everyone starts yelling at once. Mother Magoo is arguing routes.The Hub is yelling at everyone that he's going as fast as he can and maneuvering through the snow-filled, icy streets with manic focus. Aunt MacGuff is wondering what happened with infuriating calm. I'm screaming at everyone. The car is slaloming wildly.

We get to the station as the train is just about to pull out. The little step stools to step up to the train are gone and the conductors have yelled all aboard. We leap from the car and dash to the train. Car doors are open, engines running. The Hub is carrying all seven pieces of luggage himself. I literally push Mother Magoo and Aunt MacGuff onto the floor of the train car's open doorway. They land at the foot of a very  surprised conductor, who then has to duck the luggage The Hub throws at him. The train speeds up. Wild eyed and panting, The Hub and I watch the train chugs merrily off into the afternoon twilight.

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