Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Baby jealousy. I has it.

I don't feel like talking about The Adventures of Goiter Girl (we're all home from the hospital & she is recovering at light speed because she's cool like that). I do feel like discussing baby comparisons and why it sucks when you don't "win".

"Oh, but Ish," pretend person A says, "that's totally normal. Human nature and all that."
"No," says pretend person B, "children aren't possessions to be shown off and competed over. Don't reduce them to objects, as our consumerist society would have you do."
To which I reply, "Stow it you two! I have baby envy, not a compulsion to enter Baby Flails-a-lot in infant beauty pageants. I'll be fine as soon as she crawls/climbs/teethes more..."

Crap. I might be in trouble.

See, we know a couple whose baby boy is one month younger than our kid. We hadn't seen their baby until they all rolled up on our Thanksgiving festivities. Everything was hunky-dory until they put him on the floor. He was gone in a puff of smoke. Across the room in the blink of an eye. This kidlet is fast! He crawls faster than I walk. And he pulls himself up to standing like it was nothing. And he has four flippin' teeth. Four!

Witnessing the dopeness of his fine motor skills made me immediately turn to Baby Flails-a-lot and say, "You can totally do that. Get to it--yaaaaaaah!" Results: She proceeded to roll around the floor like a drunken polar bear while beaming her I-barely-have-one-tooth grin.

Needless to say, I decided on a more subtle approach was called for. I began scheming on how we could have play dates so Baby Flails-a-lot would feel compelled to mimic our friend's child due to sheer competitiveness. Not that she seems to give a damn about anyone else's opinion or anything but my plans knew no logic.

Eventually the intense envy wore off enough for me to joke about it and it's mostly gone now, but my baby is the best, goddammit! How dare any one else's baby outshine her at anything? I do not approve.


  1. There was a study that if your teeth come in too early then when you are an adult, you'll have huge teeth like a mole rat.

    Ps. I swear it was a real study I read once, I didn't just make it up on the spur of the moment to make you feel better.

  2. Mary Uludong11/30/11, 2:41 AM

    Good to hear that Llal Alita is out of hospital and feeling better :)

  3. Even if you did make it up, I love it!

    Thanks for well wishes, Baby Flails-a-lot is definitely back in action.


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