Thursday, June 23, 2011

Building a better baby trap

We're planning a vacation in July. Two weeks in Polynesia visiting family. Using the LA trip as a template, this means I should need roughly five Sherpas to get our luggage from curbside to check-in desk. It also means I will be confronting my old nemesis, The Flying Cockroaches of the Pacific Rim and their henchmen: the Mosquito family.

My hatred of these steroid sucking insects is has no limits. Proactively speaking, the cockroaches can't be prepared for, just destroyed on sight. Husband-cat has been practicing his overhead slam. I've been perfecting my, "Augh! Kill it! Kill it!" yell.

Mosquitoes require a more indirect approach. I've been obsessing over how to protect Baby Flails-a-lot without covering her in toxic chemicals she will only jam in her mouth at the earliest opportunity. My main focus is bedtime -- how do I protect her from these villains while she's asleep? Especially if she's sleeping without us? I haven't had problems on my visits in the past but what about her delicious, delicious blood? She's adorable and fun to nibble on so it stands to reason they will be waiting with bibs on when we get off the plane.

The obvious thing to do is get a baby mosquito net. Sleep deprivation being what it is, I kept thinking I would end up with a pink princess netting, wild with frills and geegaws. Anti-malaria bed net campaigns have been in the news, but somehow my online search only netted (ha ha) newfangled wire/web contraptions. Overwhelmed, I bought one.

I ended up with this:

Yes, that's right. To protect my daughter from mosquitoes I bought a lacy baby cage. It looks like a doily threw up. Did you notice the frills along the bottom? Because I didn't when I ordered the thing.

Allegedly collapsible, we have yet to sort out how to pack it. Even though the instruction sheet HAS PICTURES. I can't decide if it's their terrible text or our terrible brains.

We tried grabbing two random ends and bending but it looked seriously wrong so now it just sits in our living room, waiting for us to find an online tutorial to tell us what to do. Or for us to get enough sleep.

Maybe I'm just distracted by the following line -- To prevent baby from dust. I read this as the manufacturers assuring you that if you use their product your baby will not gather dust. Nobody wants a dusty baby.

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