Friday, January 7, 2011

Awake or asleep, you're still crazy

Good thing babies aren't affected by stress. Some women believe your attitude affects the baby's health, but given the psychotic mood swings pregnancy breeds, that can't possibly be true. This isn't to say you should antagonize a pregnant woman--in fact, playing nice with moms-to-be is a basic safety precaution. Enrage off one of us while our hormones are running hot, and you run the risk we will tear you limb from limb and consume the juicy bits.

One pregnant woman I knew went to far as to cut anybody who disagreed with her out of her life. Her theory was that disagreements might upset her, and therefore harm the baby. (Never mind that getting upset over minor disagreements was a pre-existing condition...) Given that Baby Skullhead pushed me to the brink of violence towards Husband-cat over leaving leftovers at a restaurant, I find this point of view hilarious. I mean, if babies were damaged by momma's bad moods, how the hell would they make it through birth? Most women aren't exactly cheery at that point.

Pregnancy side effect #10050 they don't warn you about is that you will have dreams that are so insane you may not be able to go back to sleep. Its particularly fun when these dreams involve your partner doing horrible things. You will wake up so full of adrenalin that you may shake your partner awake and demand to know just what the hell is wrong with him.

In my dream, The Hub discovered a trap door in our basement that opened into a crawlspace. For some reason, this discovery inspired him to sneak up on our friend Lolo and drop her through the trapdoor! And then he shuts the door, leaving her trapped! Hours go by in dream-time until I discover his treachery, and go raging downstairs to free her.

Meanwhile, he explains, as if its reasonable, that he was planning to leave her there for a full day! Completely unrepentant he keeps trying to explain it like I'm being dense and can't understand his genius. I'm screaming "What is wrong with you?! Why are you shutting our friends in the crawlspace?!" I pull Lolo out and she's mildly upset but then starts laughing! I'm yelling about prosecuting him and she's over there laughing, so then I start yelling at her for not being upset enough. Now their both looking at me like I'm being unreasonable and overreacting.

At this point I wake up and, without missing a beat, turn to grab Husband-cat and continue our dream dispute. I get as far as putting my hand on his shoulder before I realize he's asleep, and couldn't possibly have been dropping people through trap doors. I actually had to get out of bed and get away from him because the compulsion was so strong to shake him and shout "Do not drop people down trapdoors. What's wrong with you?" I swear, even writing about it is making me want to interrupt him while he's working to remind him that we have rules about being crazy in this family. I can just imagine his response…

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