Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Irrational urges

Bizarre side effect of third trimester pregnancy #504: complete mind-body dislocation and delusions of non-pregnancy. I'll see a pretty window display and instead of the usual "ooh I like that" or "I'd look good in that if I wasn't huge" reactions, I'll think "I should go in and buy that". No wondering if it will fit, no thinking about price or trying it on, just: Go. Buy. Now.

What makes this compulsion utterly disquieting is that its utterly divorced from a) reality and b) my usual purchasing thought processes. It's not that I forget I'm pregnant -- it's more like I pass into an alternate reality where I've never BEEN pregnant for as long it takes the thought process to run its course. Attendant to these unsettling moments is the dislocation effect of whatever task I'm engaged in – I'm not going to the grocery store, no, I'm just out for a stroll and am looking at clothes. Tra la la.

It’s a physical kind of forgetting that's as unnerving and ridiculous as it is fleeting and creepy. I mean really, Baby Skullhead & her coterie of liquids are thirty pounds of tumor-like reality that, except in those moments, I am always conscious of. Is it my ever-helpful brain looking forward to post-birth life by creating an alternate universe? A fantasy life in direct opposition to what my sleep deprived future is actually going to be? We all know that even if Baby Skullhead sleeps through the night the last thing I'm going to be thinking about is clothes. No, I imagine my internal dialogue will be much more focused on thoughts like "Don't drop the baby!" "How does this blasted pump device of torture work?" "Why does the cat, the husband, and the baby all need to be close to me at night? Get off!"

On the quasi-plus side, Baby Skullhead is getting bigger and thus the moments are diminishing. Her cute little limbs that were fun and creepy when they pushed on my belly are now becoming huge unwieldy mitts that she uses to jab my organs. Apparently she is more of an "internally" oriented baby – i.e. I'm carrying her further back and over my pelvis than most women, who grow outward and forward and look like lollipops with legs. On the one hand, I'm not huge by generic pregnant standards, on the other hand, MY ORGANS!

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