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Thursday, November 4, 2010

My fucking friends need to have babies, I don't want new friends

How annoying is this: one of my pregnant acquaintances has a friggin' running tally of pregnant and just-gave-birth friends on her blog. So far she's up to 10 pregnancies and 5 births. I want to be happy for her, but I have ZERO pregnant friends. I'm like, "You heifer! Why are my friends not like yours?! You're stealing all the pregnancies in the world! I hate my friends! Everyone must get pregnant NOW"

Everyone keeps telling me I need to make new friends with expectant families, but who has time for that? I have friends, I don't want new ones. Besides, parenthood is not some damn club for like-minded folks. Just because we share the biological consequence of procreation does not mean we will magically like each other. Just like being a child didn't make me automatically like other children. At this point, friend-wise, I've made my decisions, they just need to get the fuck on board with having kids so we can go through this together.

And of course nobody is making this easy for me. My friends fall into two categories: established families with older kids, and childless 30- and 40-somethings. There's no way I'm getting the established families to pop out more kids (you try convincing a 50-year-old that another kid is a good idea!), so I'm on a mission to get the 30- and 40-somethings to have children ASAP. I've warned them that I am conducting a psychological campaign on their partner when their back is turned. "Don't wait too long, it will only get worse!" I whisper.

My single friends are not off the hook either. They are still on the same deadline as everyone else: They better choose a mate, adopt, or have a one-night stand. I'm not picky, just as long as they produce in the next two years. Yes, they have a deadline. And I will enforce it.

2 comments:

  1. Oh just wait... I broke my friends in. Now the babies are popping out left and right. Seriously -- three were just hatched within 2 days of one another.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Excellent...so being the canary in the coalmine won't be in vain. Thank you for giving me hope!

    ReplyDelete

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